Being a mother has really changed me. I mean I knew that already but Sat night really reminded me of just how much of a mom I really am. Most people that knew me when I was a teenager and even in my early twenties would probably never picture me being such a dedicated mother. My next door neighbor has a little girl, she can’t be older than like 7. It was the moms birthday this weekend. I was trying to be cool about the noise, I don’t want to the the old lady next door complaining and telling people to be quiet even though thats what I really wanted them to do. I did go out once and just let them know that they were right outside a little boys bedroom and try to keep it down. They were cursing and smoking (who knows what all they were smoking) and it was super obnoxious. I just kept my son in the living room until he fell asleep and then put him in my bed so they didn’t wake him. I was trying to be cool about it all but then I heard the little girl’s voice. I wanted to cry. I had a mom that partied with me around when I was younger and it wasn’t the best thing for me- at all. I just felt deeply sad when I realized she was home for this. I was worried that my baby was going to hear a curse word and a 7 yr old had to witness the whole thing. And it went on until past 4am. I had nightmares. I dreamed I was that little girl and I was begging for my mother and she just wouldn’t come to me. Horrifying really. I have heard the little girl crying for her mother twice before (I just moved here about two weeks ago) and her mother was outside smoking pot one of the times. Its totally not my business but having gone through similar stuff as a kid I just want to shake that girls mom and say “hey look, this is what is going to happen to your daughter if you dont stop it!” But I can’t cause I hardly know her and again, not my business, sorta wish it was though…

Even before I became a parent myself, I would always notice little children walking down the street by themselves and feel really sad, even angry sometimes. I want to go up to them and ask them where their parents are. I live in SE Portland and it’s always around or near 82nd Ave. I just want to say where is your mommy? Who let you out of the house. And now that I am a mother it just gets to me even more. You see these reports on the news where a child was abducted and of course you feel sorry for the kid, the parents, the entire family. I always wonder though, where the parents were when the kid was taken. I don’t want to sound like I am blaming the parents, it is the monster who harms the kid who is the real culprit, but I just think back to all the times I saw little ones (sometimes looking only 5 or 6 years old) just wandering around all alone or maybe with another kid, and I wonder if it was one of those kids that was taken. I can’t help but think that many of these kidnapping could have been prevented with a little parental supervision. I always hear from older people that when they were kids, it wasn’t like this. They could run around their neighborhood unsupervised and not have to worry cause things like that just didn’t happen. But parents these days have to know what a sad state this world is in right now and should protect their children accordingly. When I lived in Los Angeles it seemed like every week there was a new Amber Alert. There was this one summer that kids were getting abducted so often that it was like there was a kidnapping epidemic. I didn’t have children at the time but it was still frightening to hear about. Every time I drove on the freeway there was a description or license plate # on the board. Back home in Portland now I don’t hear about it as much; but I know it still happens. All I can say is that it will never happen to my son on my watch. There are times when we have no choice but to entrust our children to others, whether it be daycare or public schools. I will do everything in my power to make sure my son is never taken from me. Until he is old enough to protect himself- He will never walk to school by himself or with only other children, he will never be left outside to play alone or without supervision, he will never be out of my sight when we are in a public place, he will never be allowed to play at the park without an adult watching him. It is sad that parents have to worry about sickos who want to hurt our children, but the truth is they are out there. I know it’s not my business to judge the way anyone else raises their kids, and I wouldn’t want anyone judging me. I just wish people would keep an eye on their kids because if they don’t someone else might.. Like this television program I saw about a year ago about a little girl, I think she was 7 or 8, she was raped and killed by a stranger who abducted her while she was going to the store to get her mother cigarettes. I felt sick when I heard that. First of all, who sells a 7 or 8 year old child cigarettes? And then, what kind of mother sends her little baby on a cigarette run? I’m sure that mother never forgave herself.

It feels incredible to finally be free. For Niko’s whole life we have been trapped in a tiny room and now a two bedroom apartment feels like a mansion. I remember the first time I moved in to an apartment after living in a house my whole life and thinking how cramped I felt. It’s amazing what 10 years of supporting yourself will do for your perspective. Not that I ever had it easy or anything but I sure appreciate my two bedroom apartment a lot more now than I did when I was 15. I was a brat when I was 15 anyway. I have the television on in the background right now as I always do at night (for some reason it makes it less lonely after my son goes to bed) and this show is on with this guy hooked up to a lie detector test and they are asking him these questions about all kind of personal things. They asked him if he has put off having children with his wife because he isn’t sure if they will be together forever and his wife is sitting right there watching this whole thing. Now I’m not sure exactly how much money he was trying to win but I don’t think a few thousand is worth ending a marriage. The guy answered yes to the question so maybe it was worth it to him. I guess if he’s not sure about the wife anyway then maybe the money is of more value. Too bad he lost and didn’t win anything, except a pretty p.o.’ed wife. I really didn’t mean to get in to all that but I can’t believe the things they put on tv and not only that but the things people will do to be on tv and to win money. What good is being on tv when its only to humiliate yourself? Everyone will have fifteen minutes of fame. I think that is more of a truth now than ever. Reality tv. ha. It’s entertaining I guess but so so sad sometimes. I used to avoid watching the news because it made me sad. It’s like the car accident on the freeway that everyone slows down to stare at, well I am the person that speeds up. I have to correct myself, I was that person. Then I started reading true crime books. I borrowed a book from a friend about cannibal killers and became obsessed. In a way I think we are all fascinated by things we dont understand, either fascinated or afraid. I choose not to be afraid anymore. It’s much nicer.

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